Mindful Balance: An introvert’s guide between hope and fear.
We are told a number of lies in our childhood. These are the big three that were told to me:
1. It will all make sense when you’re older.
2. Once you’re an adult you can do anything you want.
3. When you’re out of high school making friends becomes a whole lot easier.
The particular falseness of that last lie cannot be overstated. Once you break from the social groupings and cliques of high school you wander out into a world where meeting new people and making new friends relies solely on your relatability. For introverts, people who lose energy in social groups and prefer to avoid sharing spaces with people they don’t know (because that takes even more energy), the challenge to make and maintain deep friendships grows harder with age.
When an introvert meets new people, they view them through one of two lenses: hope or fear. Hope makes us ask questions like:
*Will they accept me?
*Will they be kind to me?
*Will they connect with me on a deeper level?
*Will they encourage me to feel good about my life?
The fear lens, so prevalent in this divided culture and dangerous time, makes us ask questions like:
*Will they hurt me?
*Do I need strong boundaries to keep them away from me?
*Will they mock or reject me?
* Will they discourage me or shame me about the status of my life?
While both sets of questions may provide is with some pertinent information, they can have a chilling effect on the energy an introvert uses to reach out and open up. What is needed is a middle ground, a mindful balance between hope and fear.
There are three ways to approach people that can help introverts find a central path.
Look at the person, not the perception. Instead of scanning people for anything (clothing, hair style, political party bumper stickers, accents, big crosses, or small pearls around their necks) that might indicate they already disapprove of who you are, just try to listen to them. Instead of disinterested listening or suspicious cataloguing, start to actually hear their stories, ask open questions, and feel compassion for their victories or defeats. Instead of a collection of dangers or perks –start seeing them for who they are.
Look at the person, not the idea. Avoid instant accepting or rebuffing someone based on their ideology. When we do that, we end up living in our own bubble with people who neither challenge nor enlighten us. While they may think very differently from you it can be helpful to remember that those you encounter are not ideas — they are people. They want to be safe. They want to be hopeful. They want to be happy. Just like you. Does that mean you have to accept someone who advocates harm to you or other beings in the name of politics, race of religion? Absolutely not. Creating balance is about critical thinking, not blind acceptance, or automatic rejection.
Look at the person, not the problem/puzzle they carry. For many introverts who spend long hours thinking about philosophy, psychology, problems and solutions, it’s easy to see people as a kind of puzzle to be solved. However, becoming the “fixer” isn’t going to help you have a balanced experience in relationship. Learn to listen and not “fix.” That can be a challenge. At first, the whole time someone is talking your mind is a rushing river of “She just needs to,” “If only he would,” and “Why don’t people just…” Having mindful balance means putting the person first, and letting the puzzle wait until someone asks for help. Even then, try to help people see they already know the answer and provide support and encouragement more than prescriptions and control.
Learning to see people beyond the lens of hope or fear can be challenging, frightening, illuminating, and satisfying. The big fears — that you will be hurt, that you might look silly, or that you would lose the few people do let in — may not happen. The big hope — that you will be butterfly free with no doubts or issues floating of white clouds of relationships may not happen either. In the place of hope and fear will be a balance that will lead you to accept people as they are and allow you to be authentically you. That’s the best thing of all.
